12 Months of Giveaways- January WINNER!!

Thank you to everyone who entered my giveaway! I honestly wish I could have given each of you a copy of the cookbook because it is just. So. Good. Check out these beautiful chocolate brownie waffles I made just the other day!

I tried to take a cute, “artsy” picture for you, but let’s be honest here: we ALL smother our waffles with unholy amounts of toppings. It’s just human nature.

Without further ado, it is my pleasure to announce the winner of this month’s giveaway!!

Congratulations, lovely! I will be in touch with you soon and your cookbook will be on it’s way!

Thank you, again, to all who participated. Get excited for next month’s giveaway!!

-Haeley

 

Sunday Thoughts: New Year’s Resolutions.

There’s just something about a new year, isn’t there? I love looking back on the past year and thinking about what I would like to improve, and what I would like to maintain over the course of the next year. I used to feel a sense of loss when I thought of the old year being over; lamenting over how I never got a chance to do A,B, or C. But now I look forward to a fresh start: a chance to better myself and my family!

I’ve noticed that, this year in particular, there have been more people mocking new year’s resolutions than participating in them. To a certain degree, I can understand where they’re coming from. It might not be the best idea to purchase a gym membership if you aren’t fully committed to getting into better shape, for example. It’s not smart to radically change your diet or force yourself into restrictive eating habits over the course of 24 hours, when just the day before you were gorging yourself on whatever greasy, nasty food you could find. That’s not realistic, and unless you have a strong sense of self-discipline, you’re setting yourself up for failure.

However, if you are serious about improving yourself and making a positive change, I think it’s worth it to make resolutions and stick to them. In the past, I have been really good about adhering to my resolutions, for example, when I chose to stop eating processed sugar in 2010. I made it for 4 years without eating a single Oreo! Because I paced myself and set realistic goals, I was able to achieve them. That’s what I want to do this year, too! So by writing my goals down and publishing them, I hope to be able to regularly check back on them and update you all on my progress! What are your resolutions?

  1. First and foremost, I will stop eating sugar again. I’ve always felt best when I’ve chosen to stay away from processed and refined sugar, and I feel that it’s an important part of my identity. Another bonus is weight loss, which brings me to my next point.
  2. I am going to lose 50 pounds this year. I’ve spent too much time hating myself and being unhappy, and I need it to stop. For my sake, and my husband’s sake, I need to love myself. I’m going to begin a workout routine, and I plan on sticking to it. I want to feel comfortable in my own skin again.
  3. Speaking of skin, I want to begin a better skincare routine. I have been researching Korean skincare for a while now, and I think it’s something I want to try. I don’t take good enough care of my skin, so beginning an intensive routine should give me a nice wake-up call (and dewy, flawless skin, too!)
  4. I want to start cooking more, and with that comes meal planning. There have been too many mediocre pasta dishes in our home this year. IT. MUST. END.
  5. I want to start planning things, writing to-do lists, and create a budget we can thrive on. To achieve this, I am wanting to start a bullet journal! I’m excited to share that process with you. Frankly, I’m excited to share all of these with you!
  6. I want to keep my apartment clean. It would be so much easier to do if we didn’t live here! I want to get better at that so that I’m prepared for random guests whenever it happens. Which isn’t very often, but still. I want to be prepared.
  7. I want to do more projects! I want to focus on my art and improving my home. Creating makes me happy. I need more of that.

Well, there you have it! My New Year’s Resolutions. It’ll be fun to come back a year from now and see where I started, don’t you think? :^)

 

-Haeley

Saturday Project: Easily hacking IKEA picture ledges into kitchen storage!

I love IKEA. A lot. I could spend all day every day in IKEA and be happy for the rest of my life, I bet.

So when inspiration strikes in the middle of the aisle, I listen. And then proceed to scramble for the nearest bin full of picture ledges so I can get to work ASAP.

Our apartment isn’t some glamorous NYC haven of simplicity and style. There are no classy brick wall interiors, the flooring isn’t distressed hardwood from a 1950s home, and there isn’t a ceiling high enough to create the illusion of space. It’s a small, standard issue apartment just like hundreds around Mesa. It’s nothing special, and it is SERIOUSLY lacking in storage, especially where kitchen storage is concerned. So we’ve made do as long as we can, but eventually something had to give- especially after Christmas, since we got a few new appliances.

The place that’s driven me absolutely crazy for the longest time, though, is the cabinet where we keep our cups and glasses. It’s a complete disaster, and it’s never organized for very long. Plus, if we were to take out the cups, it would free up valuable space to cram more stuff into. (I seriously need to do some spring cleaning, guys. It’s bad.)

I’ve been mulling an idea around for a while now to create a sort of open shelving area for our cups, in an effort to A) create more storage and B) class up our apartment a little more. I love open shelving, and have wanted to implement it somewhere in our house, but I just wasn’t sure when until I remembered that we had a very sad, lonely wall behind our dining room table.

Don’t hate on me for my sub par photography skills. It’s dark outside and I’m working with an iPhone that doesn’t like me very much. Also- my apartment is a cave and I need better lighting. Amen.

Bonus: it’s right next to our water dispenser! Bingo!! That’s where our cups would live.

But then the problem arose of how exactly to make the shelves. I love hanging shelves, but I didn’t feel like they would look great right there. I could also just stick a bunch of hooks into the wall and hang our mugs there, but it would look halfhearted and sad. So I filed this idea into the back of my mind, trying to figure it out every now and again until one fateful day in IKEA.

I was shopping with my mother, grandmother, and sisters in law when it hit me: I could use picture ledges to store my cups! I immediately told them about my stroke of genius, and they all agreed that it would look amazing. So I stocked up, grabbed this beautiful poster:

I am so obsessed with this. Isn’t it beautiful? Thank you, IKEA. I love you.

And we were off!

You guys. This IKEA hack is so easy!! It took us literally ten minutes to completely update our space. I think it’ll be really nice to have!

What you’ll need:

  • MOSSLANDA picture ledges from IKEA (I got four total- three shorter and one longer)
  • Flat head 1 1/1″ screws
  • Drill
  • Level
  • Assorted cups, glasses, and mugs (obviously)

We went from the bottom ledge and worked our way up. 

Make sure your ledges are level and centered or they’ll start to look really wonky really fast. (I figure you’re smart enough to figure that out, but it’s still something worth noting.) One thing I wish we had done is make sure it was perfectly centered in the middle of the wall, because now our table is ever-so-slightly right of the ledges. However, I’m also planning on fixing our table issue in the near future, so hopefully it won’t be an issue for much longer. ;^)

After we set up the first ledge, we got our tallest cup and measured a few inches above it so that we wouldn’t run into any issues when we finally put the cups on the ledges.

From then on, it was just a matter of making sure the remaining ledges were spaced out and level!

IKEA included these nifty little stickers to go on top of the screws to help them blend in! SO thoughtful.

So there you have it! Super simple, super easy, super stylish. I know my pictures were terrible quality- I’m working on that. Baby steps, baby steps.

Thanks for reading, I hope you enjoyed this little tutorial! What are your favorite IKEA hacks? Do you love IKEA as much as I do?

-Haeley

P.S.- have you entered my giveaway yet? Do it now, it ends Wednesday night!!

12 Months of Giveaways!!

Normally, I don’t like my birthday. Like, at all. I cry at least once, I feel awkward the whole day, and I’m just generally uncomfortable and want the day to end.

Why? I have no idea. I just have never loved it.

Until last year, when I finally decided to spend the day doing whatever the heck I wanted, and I actually enjoyed my birthday! In fact, I enjoyed it so much that I think  I might just continue enjoying it for years to come (groundbreaking, I know)!

One way I think I will do this is by hosting a giveaway on my birthday- because why should I have all the fun?! I wanna share the love! However, that’s not all.

RIP Billy Mays.

Since my birthday is on the 12th, and it’s at the beginning of the year, and there are 12 months in the year, I thought “what the heck? How about I do 12 FREAKIN’ MONTHS of giveaways?!?!”

So that, my friends, is what I am doing. Each month, on the 12th, I will be giving away something that I love- whether it be a product, a book, a coupon, etc., I just want to share the love with you! Are you as thrilled as I am? I have been giddy about this all week, but I wanted to wait until I was safely set up on the new site to post anything about it.

Enough chitchat, I’m sure you’re dying to know what I’m giving away, right? Right.

For January’s prize, I will be giving away…

The Chocolate Covered Katie Cookbook!

I know, I know. Contain yourselves.

I go back and forth between eating really healthy and eating like trash, but one thing has been constant for a few years, and that is the love I have for Chocolate Covered Katie. Her recipes are delicious, even to people who don’t care for health food. Take a look around her website- everything looks positively HEAVENLY. Bonus- all of her recipes are vegan, so this is truly a giveaway for everyone. I can’t say enough good things about her! (Katie, can we be best friends, please?)

Do some research on her site, and I think you’ll agree that this is a giveaway you won’t want to miss.

  1. Entries worth one (1) point each: ‘Like’ my Facebook page, follow me on Instagram.
  2. Entries worth three (3) points: subscribe to my blog via email, Blogger, etc.
  3. Entries worth five (5) points: Comment below and tell me your funniest cooking fail! Example: One time I tried adding plain yogurt to my macaroni and cheese in an effort to give it some tangy flavor… and I added vanilla yogurt by mistake. (true story. It was terrible.)

Once you have completed any or all of the following, leave a comment on this post telling me that you did and how many entries you completed. Be honest! ;^) Remember; the more entries you complete, the better your chances of winning, so make sure to complete them! (especially the cooking fails. I’m particularly excited about reading that one.)

RULES:

Giveaway ends January 11th at 11:59 PM MST. Open to Legal Residents (13 years of age or older) of the US only. Winner will be selected at random and be notified by email. Winner will have 48 hours to respond before a new winner is selected. The product offered for the giveaway is free of charge, no purchase necessary. My opinions are my own and were not influenced by any form of compensation. Facebook, Instagram and WordPress are in no way associated with this giveaway. By providing your information in this form, you are providing your information to me and me alone. I do not share or sell information and will use any information only for the purpose of contacting the winner.

I am so excited about this and cannot wait to give this away! I love you all. Now hurry up and enter! ;^)

-Haeley

We moved!

Oops, that was totally click bait.

Okay, so we didn’t actually, physically move, but in case you couldn’t tell, this ain’t Blogger anymore. I have officially moved to bigger, better things, and that means I have an actual website. I KNOW, RIGHT?! I’m excited too. Scared, but excited.

Obviously this means that it’ll take a while for me to figure all of this out #wordpressvirgin, but I am expecting great things from this site. I have ideas, I have aspirations, and dangit, I’m going to succeed! Gone are the days where I only publish 4 posts a year (I’m looking at you, 2016), and welcome to the age of accountability! I am a reformed, changed woman, who will make a concerted effort to post more regularly. (it helps that I had to pay for this, but let’s keep that hush-hush, mmkay?)

All of these changes happened at the perfect time, too, dontcha think? New Year, new me. I look forward to unpacking all of my emotional baggage stories and ideas here, and  I believe that this move will be a good thing for us.

I know, moving is hard, but we’re in a better area now! I’ll even let you have your own bedroom. ;^)

Love you all,

-Haeley

Loo.

First selfie

The past few days have been so hard on us, as we lost our sweet little dog, Loo.

It started with a smaller than usual appetite, followed by some pretty nasty constipation. I researched everything I could to try to help his tummy, from switching to wet food to giving him pumpkin puree, but nothing helped. Soon he stopped dancing around in his crazy, uncoordinated way. Shortly after, he stopped barking when we came home. He lost his zest for life, and all the while, his appetite steadily decreased along with his weight. He just wasn’t the same.

Sunday, Loo refused to eat anything- not even peanut butter or cheese, his two favorites. I had called a vet on Saturday, hoping to get him in on Monday, but it was clear that we were dealing with something far more serious.

We called this his “cinnamon roll”

We took him to the emergency room right after church, where we learned the horrifying news- our little man’s kidneys were failing him. They were unsure whether he had a bacterial infection, disease, or cancer, but one thing was sure: if they didn’t hospitalize him ASAP, the outcome was grim. Quite honestly, even if we decided to put him in the hospital, there was no guarantee that he would ever recover fully, if at all. Loo was done dancing, regardless of if we treated him or not.

Tanner and I made the difficult decision to say goodbye, and decided that I would stay home with Loo on Monday, for his last day on Earth. I invited everyone to come say goodbye- a dog this sweet deserved as much love as possible. He, too, still had so much love to give. So many people came to say goodbye. So many people came and held him while he snuggled quietly in their lap. It might seem weird to have wanted people to come over to say goodbye to a dog- especially one that many hadn’t ever met before- but it felt right, and I was not emotionally in a place where I felt okay being alone for an extended period of time. There were so many tears, but even more cuddles.

Tanner was given the go-ahead from work to head home early, and we were able to sit together for about an hour, holding Loo, praying, and crying. I wanted so badly to be able to tell Loo I was ready to let go, and that he didn’t need to hold on anymore, but I couldn’t bring myself to do it.

These smiles were a bit forced.

I am very good at going into denial, and throughout the day I kept telling myself that this didn’t have to happen. He didn’t have to die. He would get better… Right?

I had to remind myself that his poor kidneys begged to differ, and there was nothing we could do to guarantee his recovery. Letting him go was the best option for him… Even if it was the worst option for me.

He steadily got worse throughout the day until he would go several seconds between breaths, and we knew that we absolutely had to put him out of his misery.

We went to the vet, and at 4:06 PM, Loo drifted off to heaven, after one final family prayer. Our kind, caring vet gently took him to the other room to take his little paw prints, and Tanner and I held onto each other and wept. I felt like my body was collapsing into itself, the pain hit so hard. I’m never going to see that little booger again. At least, not on this earth.

My boys.

One of the reasons why letting him go was so hard, is I have so many doubts. Will I see him again after this life? Everyone I know says we will, but how do they know? The thought of never seeing him again hurts, it hurts so much. It’s a kind of pain that only people who have lost a dear, loved pet can understand. We were not sealed to Loo. In the next life, he’s not going to be ours. Will he even WANT to see me again? I tried, but I know I was not the perfect “mom”. I made mistakes. I didn’t love him as unconditionally as I should have- he was a stubborn little thing whose strength was NOT obedience, which was frustrating.

I feel like I should have been so much better. I wish I could have spent all day, every day with him. I wish we had known he was sick sooner, so I could have cherished the time we had together more. I wish I had cuddled him more. I wish I had let him sleep with me. I wish, I wish, I wish. I’ve been praying harder than ever that someway, somehow, Loo can forgive me of my shortcomings. I hope he knows that even though he had a tendency to sometimes be annoying, I loved him deeply and am so lucky he chose Tanner and I that day back in September.

Silly pup.

Perhaps it seems silly to be so completely grief-stricken over such a tiny little dog, but he was the first animal who was truly mine and Tanner’s. (I mean, yeah, we have our betta fish Toby, but dogs are a LITTLE different.) He was our baby. He went on so many adventures with us. I wanted to watch him snuggle up to our (human) babies. I wanted him to be in our family pictures.

It wasn’t supposed to end like this. At least, if it were up to me, which it never was.

Grieving is so strange. I have never felt so many conflicting emotions before. At least with our family I have full confidence that our separation will be temporary- it’ll feel long, yes, but we are sealed together and cannot be ever TRULY separated. But with pets… I just don’t know. Within the past 48 hours I’ve gone from hopeful to being in complete denial, to utter despair, to anger, and back again. I don’t want to be left alone, but I don’t want to see anyone. I know it was the right thing to do, but I worry that we took him too soon.

The last picture I took of him. I think
he knew it was time to go.

Eventually I will be okay, but right now, I am not- and that fact needs to be okay too. I don’t WANT to be strong. I do not want to try to swallow my pain and put on a brave face. I want to feel this grief. I want to explore these complex emotions and familiarize myself with them. I want to curl up in my sadness and let it wash over me until I feel that I can move on.

I believe that that is an important thing. Grief should not be swallowed. It shouldn’t be ignored, or made to seem as though it’s not as big a deal as it really, truly is. Pain is unpleasant, but we can learn so much from it. So I intend to take my time to heal, to feel better, and to move forward at my own pace, in my own time, in my own way.

Some of that healing may come in the form of a new dog. I need to remember that we are NOT replacing Loo- because a dog like that cannot EVER be replaced. But I need a dog to fill the emptiness that has overtaken this house. It feels like a cave without Loo’s jingling collar and clicking nails. So while we may adopt a new friend sooner rather than later, it’s not because they are a “rebound”. There is a place in our family that can only be filled with furry paws and a wet nose, and we need that.

Friends, losing a pet hurts. I know that now. I am so sorry for anything I may have ever done to minimize your suffering. I stand with you. I feel your hurt, and understand it. Even if your sweet, furry (or feathered!) friend didn’t pass, but was given up, it stings. Come over and we will talk it out. I can’t promise I won’t cry, but I can promise that it will feel good to talk about it with someone who understands. Call me. ♥

-Haeley

I hope to see you again someday, sweetheart.

Birth control.

Today I officially stopped taking my birth control.

I didn’t stop because we’re trying to get pregnant just yet- but if we did, we would be so excited! We’re still enjoying our time alone though. ;^)

I didn’t stop because of some moral objection to family planning. I believe that birth control is a blessing to those that need/use it, and I’ll admit it’s been terribly convenient to not have to worry about condoms and such.

I stopped because loathing myself was not worth the convenience of popping a pill every morning.

Crying every Sunday because I couldn’t fit my brand new dress wasn’t worth the lighter periods every month.

Dreading and actively avoiding family gatherings so they couldn’t see my weight gain wasn’t worth not having a baby before we felt ready.

I’m not writing this post to scare everyone away from ever using birth control pills, because they are very helpful to many people and work just fine with no adverse effects, but all bodies are different, and I felt like it was important to share my story.

Before we got married, we discussed birth control. I REALLY did not want to take the pill because I’d heard stories about women who gained a lot of weight, got really emotional, etc. I didn’t want to be one of them. I didn’t want to sacrifice the body I’d worked so hard for in order to keep from getting pregnant. If I was going to gain weight, I would prefer it be from pregnancy rather than a side effect of pregnancy prevention. Does that make sense?

I did my research, and decided that I would try an IUD. We weren’t planning on having a baby for a while, it wouldn’t require any pills, and I wouldn’t have to refill a prescription. And- my insurance covered it! I knew the risks, and decided to take a chance. I was NOT going to take a pill if I could help it.

When I went into the doctor’s office, I felt confident. I was informed, and I was prepared for anything.

Except finding out I wasn’t physically able to get an IUD.

I have a retroverted uterus, which means it tilts toward my spine rather than towards my belly button, like most people. It’s also smaller, because I haven’t been pregnant before. Having a retroverted uterus isn’t a bad thing, and I shouldn’t suffer infertility because of it, but my doctor told me that IUD insertion would most likely be extremely painful and it might not work very well because of how small my uterus is. (IUD’s are often recommended to women who have given birth previously, because their uteruses are usually more able to keep the IUD properly in place.)

After I was told this, I was crushed, to say the least. I asked what my other options were, and I was given a few samples of the NuvaRing, which I LOVED. Unfortunately, my insurance covered very little of the prescription, so it cost over $100 for a two-month prescription. So after I finished my sample of the NuvaRing, I called my doctor and was prescribed a pill.

At first, I didn’t notice too much of a difference. It was annoying to have to remember to take it every single day, but being able to control my periods was nice. Plus, the pills were small enough to swallow without water, which made taking them much easier, as I could take them anywhere. I figured it wouldn’t be so bad… Until I began gaining weight.

Now, the birth control is not completely to blame for this. I began eating sugar again, and my eating habits changed to accommodate my new husband’s and his family’s while we lived with them. Still, I do not believe that I could possibly have gained THAT much weight from making a slight change alone. I went from a size 8 to a 16 in less than 8 months. I went from a medium in shirt size to an XL, and even have had to purchase 1X and 2X.

Going from the best shape of my life to arguably the absolute worst shape has been one of the most painful, gut-wrenching experiences I’ve ever been through. I’ve struggled with my weight for my entire life, and watching all of my hard work fade away so quickly has hurt in ways I never thought possible. Many, many nights have been spent sobbing into my husband’s shoulder. The kind of weeping where you can’t help but make noises like a dying animal. The kind of sobs that shake you until you’re not sure how to feel normal again. It’s in those moments where I enter a dark place. There’s no other way to describe it other than dark, emotionally, mentally, and almost physically. I sink into myself when I enter that place. It’s scary and it’s complete and utter misery.

I never knew the weight of the word hate until I was using it to describe how I felt about myself. Hate is such an awful word, and it legitimately hurts to say when referencing yourself. The weirdest part of it all was when I would say it aloud, I felt a deep, profound sadness, different from anything I’ve felt before. It almost felt as though when I said that I hated myself, I could feel God’s pain at hearing those words about one of His children. I could imagine Him desperately trying to comfort me while trying not to show how deeply I’d hurt Him.

Since then, I’ve tried not to use the word ‘hate’ in reference to myself, which can get difficult, because as the weeks have gone by, I’ve just gotten bigger and bigger and have lost touch with the girl I used to be. I miss her. I miss wanting to show off my beautiful self, and being proud of how well I took care of myself. I want to feel sexy and desirable for once in my marriage.

And starting today, I’m going to win her back. I’m going to get back to where I was, and more.

I guess that what I’m trying to say is this: Ladies, do your research thoroughly, and after you’ve done that, go with your gut. There are HUNDREDS of methods of contraception you can use. Don’t limit yourself! Condoms may not be your preferred method of birth control, but they can be very effective if used correctly. Same goes with spermicides. Be smart about birth control, and don’t let anyone bully or pressure you into thinking one method is better for you than others. Because, let’s be honest, some birth control methods are better than others, but often it’s a case by case thing. Above all, if you don’t want to do something, a lot of the time you don’t have to. I wish I had known this when I started the pill, because then I wouldn’t have ever TAKEN the pill to begin with! It’s MY body, and I get to choose my birth control. And if my birth control ever fails and we are blessed with a baby, it will be just that- a blessing. In the meantime, I will do what I feel comfortable with, and what I feel is best for my body.

~Haeley

Ps- I really hope this post hasn’t come off as overly preachy or self-absorbed. I’ve tried my best to be very transparent and honest in the writing of this, and as such, I think I’ve used a lot of I’s and me’s and my’s, but it’s a personal story, so you’re going to get personal pronouns. I hope this post helps someone to be brave, or, at the very least, feel less alone. Birth control sucks, but we’re in this together.

Pps- if you or someone you love is looking at birth control options, here are some links I’ve found to be helpful:

  • The RxList website is very helpful if you’re looking at potential side effects of various birth controls and other medications. 
  • Skinny Mom has some GREAT insight on natural family planning.
  • There are now some apps that supposedly help gain easier access to birth control.

Our Engagement Story.

Today is our one year anniversary of when we got engaged-on my roommate’s birthday, no less. I’m only *slightly* sorry I kinda stole her thunder that year…. I love you, Grettel!

Anyway, I know it’s a little out of the order I’ve had for writing down our story (does anyone even care that I’m writing it?), but dudes. It’s our anniversary, and I HAVE to celebrate/commemorate somehow.

Let’s get one thing out in the open: my engagement was not a romantic affair. There were no flowers, no soft music, no flash mobs, no elaborate speeches. I did get a spider though, and you’ll hear about that in a minute. All in all, it wasn’t the proposal that dreams are made of, that much is true. But I think the more important thing is the fact that I actually got engaged (and later, married), and the mechanics of it all don’t matter half as much in the grand scheme of things.

Okay, let’s actually start the story.

Once we decided that we were going to get married, we started planning on getting married in December. That way, we would have all year to save money and prepare as much as we could, and we rationalized that family is usually in town during December, so it would be easier to get them to spare a day for us. Tanner discussed it with his mother, who promptly told him that December was actually NOT a great idea, because Christmastime is the most wonderful stressful time of the year, and it would be more difficult to organize everything, get married, go on a honeymoon, and still enjoy Christmas. (Bless you, Terra. Bless. You.) Also, let’s be real. With Christmas so close, we probably wouldn’t get as many presents. (I know, I know, selfish, but presents are so helpful to newlyweds!!) We talked it over, and decided to plan for sometime around May.

So with the date officially unofficially set, and seeing as it was the middle of February, Tanner needed to pop the question SOON. When the question of rings came up, Tanner’s mother remembered that she had a ring from her grandmother, Tanner’s great grandmother. Again, we talked about it and decided that that ring would work out perfectly. I’ve always had a love for vintage things, this ring was a precious family heirloom, and it wouldn’t cost poor Tanner an arm, a leg, and our firstborn child.

The second week of February, I left for St. George, Utah to attend a theatre festival for a week. Originally, Tanner and I had planned to go to his grandmother’s boat over the weekend to hang out with his family and have a nice weekend away. Unfortunately, the St. George trip made that impossible, so I went to Utah and Tanner went to the lake. On my way home from St. George, Tanner and I were texting and he asked if I wanted to go to the lake the next weekend, because apparently his grandmother had some ‘stuff’ she had to do there. Later I learned that she really DID have things she needed to do, but I thought this was just a cover for his real intentions. I just knew I was getting engaged next weekend, and shared the news with everyone in the car.

Fast-forwarding to the next weekend, we made our way to Roosevelt Lake to meet up with his family. I was able to meet his grandma, and we had a lovely evening on the dock. While we were there, his mom got up and asked Tanner to come with her. We both got up to go, but she clarified that she just needed Tanner. I immediately got butterflies. She’s going to give Tanner the ring!!!!!!!!!!! I thought to myself. I tried not to look at the boat, but I couldn’t help myself. I took a quick peek just as I saw Tanner’s mom hand over a tiny white box. Now I knew without a doubt that I was getting engaged soon. We spent the rest of the evening together, and I pretended not to know about what had just happened.

The next morning, I got up and saw Tanner. He pulled me aside to tell me that, yes, he had the ring, and even though he wasn’t going to propose just yet, his mom felt I needed to see the ring in person to decide whether I wanted it or not. Tanner said he was going to go get it, and disappeared in the back room of the boat for about ten minutes. My heart was racing, my palms were sweating, and I was SO IMPATIENT WHY WASN’T HE SHOWING ME MY RING YET?!?!?!?!?!
He came back a few minutes later, and said he was in the bathroom. He avoided all my questions about the ring, and eventually I gave up. I would be seeing it soon anyway.

We went out to the dock, where his family was sitting. We joined them, and immediately he and his mom started texting. I felt super uncomfortable because I was worried that Tanner was telling his mom that I had been asking about the ring, and I wondered if I shouldn’t have done that. I looked back and forth between the two, watching his mother’s facial expression get more and more incredulous. Oh, great, I wasn’t supposed to ask about the ring. She hates me, I know it. What have I done? Ugh ugh ugh she’s not even officially my mother in law, and I’ve already screwed up. While I panicked over my apparent stupidity and impatience, Tanner got up and went to the boat without me. Tanner’s mother, grandmother, and I sat in silence until his mom asked if I wanted to go on a paddleboat ride with Tanner. I said that it would be fun, while secretly worrying that she was just trying to get rid of my face so she could enjoy the lake in peace for a bit. Tanner returned, and his mom announced that the two of us were going to go on a paddleboat ride. Tanner agreed, we got into the boat, and his mom snapped a picture of us.

Low quality because this is a picture of a picture
 from a picture on a phone. Figure that one out, dudes.

We paddled out in silence until I was sure we were out of earshot, and then I asked Tanner what was wrong. He’d been acting really weird all of a sudden, and I was worried I had offended his mom somehow, and I just. Needed. Answers.

“Nothing’s wrong,” he said in a voice that CLEARLY INDICATED THAT SOMETHING WAS WRONG.
“….Are you sure, cuz it sure seems like something’s wrong,” I said. “Also, is your mom okay? I’m worried I might have offended her somehow. Why were you guys texting each other?”
“No, you haven’t offended her, it’s just…. Okay. My mom wants me to propose to you today. Like, right now.”

Oh. Oh. Oh my sweet goodness, I am about to be Betrothed. My stomach did somersaults while I tried to maintain my composure. We talked about the pros and cons involving getting engaged in the next few minutes, the major issue being that he hadn’t asked my dad for permission. He wanted to ask him in person, especially since he’d only met him just once before and didn’t want to spoil my dad’s opinion of him. But on the other hand, we were practically engaged already, and it seemed silly to waste any more time.

During this time, I had been staring straight ahead and paddling as hard as I could, but I decided we should focus on each other and the conversation we were having. I stopped paddling, and looked over at Tanner just as a HUGE SPIDER
CRAWLED
DOWN
HIS
FACE. Now, I pride myself on not being afraid of spiders, but this was an exception. There was a huge spider on my beloved’s FACE. HIS FACE, PEOPLE. What if it bit him? What if it was radioactive? I can’t handle the responsibility of being Spiderman’s wife!

So I did the only responsible thing left to do, and screamed repeatedly. Tanner casually swiped the spider off his face and INTO MY SIDE OF THE BOAT. I continued screaming, and Tanner stomped the spider to death. He then tried to continue the conversation as if he wasn’t in mortal danger mere seconds ago. I, on the other hand, was still quite rattled, so I hyperventilated and mumbled such nonsense as, “such a… Big spider,” and “ohmygosh on your FACE.” Tanner eventually got tired of me reacting like a normal person and asked me to calm down. I took some deep breaths and eventually returned to normal.

We still hadn’t decided whether or not he should propose right then, but we DID decide that I should at least see the ring. Tanner pulled it out of his pocket, and I opened the box. Inside was a dainty white gold ring with a round, blue stone adorning the top. It shone beautifully in the sunlight, and made a star pattern appear on the stone. It was beautiful. I tried it on, admired it for a moment, and slid it off my finger. I awkwardly handed it back to Tanner, who held it in his hands, sighed, and said: “will you marry me?”
I shrugged, and said “Sure!”

Let’s take a brief moment to realize I had just shrugged off MY OWN PROPOSAL. AND THEN SAID ‘SURE’ LIKE SOME IDIOT. In my defense, however, ever since we had decided to get married, we would joke around and say stuff like: “hey, wanna get married sometime?” and then the other would say something like: “yeah, I guess. I’m not doing anything right now, anyway.” We never took these seriously. They were never real proposals, so I just assumed that this was the same thing! I was expecting something a little more elaborate, so the fact that Tanner had actually proposed went right over my head. Until I saw his face and realized he was serious. Then I quickly said, “I mean, YES! Yes, of course!!!” He put the ring back on my finger and we kissed.

Then we realized he hadn’t asked my father. Crap.
Tanner dialed his number, and as he stumbled over his words (he was a nervous wreck and it was the most adorable thing I’ve ever seen), I admired my beautiful new ring, snapped some pictures, and tried to process the fact that I was FINALLY going to get married.

Okay, I realize that saying FINALLY is a little dumb, considering the fact that A) I had just barely turned 19 a few weeks ago, and B) we’d been dating for only 5 weeks. But I’ve been wanting to get married since I was 12, so it felt like a long time to me. Cut me some slack.

My dad gave Tanner his blessing, and when Tanner told me, the tears came. This was really happening! We decided to hold off on calling everyone for a little bit, and began paddling back out.

Apparently, I’m just not allowed to have a nice moment ever, because this was the moment that my bladder decided it needed some attention too. So we paddled as fast as we could back to the docks, where Tanner’s mom was waiting for us. She looked at us expectantly as I jumped out of the boat and ran for the bathroom. I also had no idea what to say to everyone (I’m guessing that shouting “I’m ENGAGED, b*tches! wouldn’t have gone over well), and wanted a moment to myself to collect my thoughts, so it was the perfect crime. As soon as I walked out of the bathroom though, I was ambushed by my fiance (fiance. Not boyfriend anymore! Holy cow!), and we *officially* announced to everyone the happy news.

We went on a celebratory boat ride, where I finally called my parents.

 I called my mom first, but she didn’t answer, so I tried my dad. He answered, and we reveled in the craziness of it all. Before he hung up, though, he said that he wanted to tell my mom the good news.

Oh dear.

My mom called me back just minutes after I got off the phone with my dad, and I had to figure out a backup plan, fast. So I tried to casually ask her if we could stop by later that afternoon, and she said of course. The whole time I was talking to her, my new family looked at me like I was going crazy. What the heck was wrong with me, not telling her I had just gotten ENGAGED? After I got off the phone with her, I explained the situation, and they forgave me.

The rest of the day went by in a blur, as phone calls were made, a date was set, and preparations were begun. I was engaged to the boy I loved most, and we were completely unprepared for the next hectic 90 days.

~Haeley

2015….

A year ago tonight I sat upstairs at my parents house, cuddling the dog so she wouldn’t be afraid of the fireworks. A year ago today I was texting Tanner as it got closer and closer to midnight. He actually wanted to come over and spend the holiday with me, but we decided against it. At that point we were just friends, and I had no idea that in about a week’s time we would share our first kiss. I had no idea that almost two months later, I would be engaged. I had no idea that by midnight of 2015, I would be sitting in my apartment next to my husband, with our dog snuggled up by our feet.

2015 was quite the year. One of my favorite things to do when the time comes is to look back on the past year and see how different everything has become. This year, however, was especially crazy. So many things have happened in such a short time that it doesn’t seem possible for it all to have happened in a year! And yet, somehow, it all did. And we miraculously survived it all, too!

I honestly can’t believe how extremely blessed I have been this year. I married my sweetheart, gained an absolutely incredible new family, and have grown in so many ways. I think that the person I was at the beginning of the year would be proud of who I am now, and that’s comforting. I don’t feel that this year was a year of digression for me. It was a year of fantastic progress! I have become so much more independent! I have learned what it means to put someone else’s needs ahead of mine, and I have learned just how enjoyable it is to take care of someone. I really believe I was born to be a wife and (someday) a mother. Tanner has brought out a strength in me I didn’t know I had, and he has helped me grow and become someone I needed to be. I hope I have had the same effect on him.

This year also brought along difficult challenges. Learning to live with someone so completely different from you takes a lot of compromising and giving when you don’t really want to. I never realized how selfish I was until I got married, which is rough. I’ve cried more this year than I have in many years past. I’ve had to learn that sometimes you’re wrong, and you need to accept it. And I’ve also learned that sometimes you need to realize that neither of you will win, and the sooner you kiss and make up, the better. I’ve discovered that you can’t be passive about something important to you- even though you’re married now, you still need to stick up for yourself. You are still important.

All in all, 2015 was kind of a mess. But it was such a beautiful one.

-Haeley

Part 5: Winter Formal

*I totally suck at writing our story, but I’m going to try to be more diligent about it.*

Ever the gentleman, Tanner did not want to have asked me to a dance solely through text message. So  he carefully and cleverly crafted the perfect invitation over the course of the next few days.

Tanner kidnapped me one night, and we drove around for a little bit, listening to the Winter Formal playlist he painstakingly put together. Then we pulled into the park, where we danced in the glow of his headlights. He gave me a rose with a note tied to it (it said “I wanted to give this flower something beautiful to look at” ((I melted. He’s the sweetest)), in addition to a thumb drive which housed an official cuddle buddy application (which was HILARIOUS). We danced until it started raining, and then went to our respective homes. And so it was set. I had a date to Winter Formal, and I was determined to have fun!

Until the week of Winter Formal came around, and I began to feel uneasy about my friendship with him. He had told me he liked me, and didn’t expect his feelings to be reciprocated, and he made sure I knew he would respect my decision in regards to who I liked. Still, he was very open about how much he liked me, and flirted with me constantly. I began worrying that he was reading too much into our friendship, and that even though he knew I liked someone else, he was still trying. 


While I loved the attention (don’t hate me, who doesn’t love attention?), I didn’t want to lead him on. I told myself I didn’t want to make things awkward, however, so of course I made things really awkward. Because that is how I roll. 

I started unconsciously leaning away from him when we sat together at devotional, and I stopped texting him back as often as I had been previously. Because the most graceful way to let someone know you’re not interested is to completely ignore them. Right?

Unfortunately, I wasn’t as smooth about distancing myself from him as I thought I was, and Tanner caught on. 

The day before Winter Formal, he messaged me on Facebook. We made small talk for a little bit, but eventually things took a turn for the heavy. We talked about how I liked someone else, and Tanner told me that all he wanted was for me to be happy, and if that meant me dating someone else, then he would be okay with it. He said that as long as being friend-zoned meant we could still be friends, then he would love to remain so. We agreed to meet at the institute building to attend a YSA event together-just as friends. 

After I put down my phone, I cried. I cried so hard I couldn’t breathe. This was my best friend- the person I spent the most time with, and I had just broken his heart. Even though our entire conversation was through Facebook, I could just picture him shrugging it all off, trying to seem sincere and like he really was happy that it looked like I might date someone else. I knew that that wasn’t the case, however. I knew that he was hurt, no matter what he said. He said this wasn’t the first time something like this had happened, and he was sure it wouldn’t be the last.

I hated that. I hated that girls had done that to someone as wonderful as him in the past, I hated that I had just done that to him, and I hated the thought of anyone else doing that to him in the future. 

The worst part was imagining him with someone else. That made me feel sick. He was MY best friend! I didn’t want some stupid girl getting in between us! As I thought about it more, I realized I was being ridiculous. I didn’t own him, I wasn’t romantically interested… Right? Plus, it was absurd to not want him to have a girlfriend, especially since he had just told me he hoped I ended up with who I wanted. I was being selfish.

I walked into the Institute building and immediately found Tanner. We awkwardly sat at the same table, chatting and pretending I hadn’t just ripped his heart out. Eventually, we decided that the Institute event was boring, one thing led to another, and we ended up leaving early to walk around Wal-Mart. The evening ended with us as friendly as before that terrible conversation. We even held hands, which confused us both to no end. I had literally JUST friend zoned him. What the heck was I doing?! His hands were just so warm and comforting. 

I know. I hate me too.

At the end of the night, he dropped me off and we agreed to meet the next morning for our day date before Winter Formal.

The next morning, Tanner picked me up and we drove around aimlessly for a while before deciding to watch a movie. The problem was, my roommates were doing something at my apartment, and his dorm was less than ideal, so we eventually sat in the Institute parking lot in his car, and watched Dr. Horrible’s Sing-Along Blog. We got frozen yogurt afterwards, then Tanner dropped me off so he could go to a choir rehearsal. 

That evening, I got ready as carefully as I could, and to be honest, I was looking hot. I snapped a few selfies (for posterity, duh), and waited for my date to arrive. My roommates were getting ready to go too, and in the midst of the excitement, Tanner knocked on the door. My roommates sprang into action, locking the door and telling me to hide so I could do a “big reveal”, but that’s not my speed, so I fought through the small crowd of shrieking girls, and flung open the door to reveal a flustered Tanner. I brought him in amid more shrieking, and my roommates insisted on taking pictures. I deleted most of them because they were super blurry, but I kept this one:

We walked across the street to the dance, and Tanner told me I looked absolutely beautiful. Once there, we discovered that the dance didn’t start for at least another hour, so we did what we always did when boredom struck- we went to Walmart.

It also helped that I told him I’d been craving blueberry muffins, so I got some of those too. ;^)

Finally, we headed to the dance where the party was starting in earnest. Tanner was the perfect dance partner, and we danced to the slow songs, rocked out to the fast songs, and sat on the sidelines during the stupid songs. I loved it. We were sitting at a table talking when one of my favorite slow songs came on. I hopped up and dragged Tanner on to the dance floor, where we danced underneath a lantern. I swear this moment could have come straight out of a movie, the way he held me close and looked at me like I was the most beautiful person he had ever seen. I didn’t want the song to end, and when it did, we sat down and I realized I had some SERIOUS butterflies goin’ on. 

This is the song we danced to. It still gives me butterflies.


We danced the rest of the evening until the DJ announced the last song, and at the end, he reminded us that it was a full moon…. Meaning that if you kissed someone at midnight, under the clock tower, the two of you would become True Gila Monsters. A prestigious title, indeed. I toyed with the idea of kissing Tanner. and the thought gave me a serious case of nervous giggles. Tanner proceeded to bug me about it, trying to get me to talk, but I refused to say anything, because I wasn’t sure if I was absolutely positive that I wanted to kiss him. I like to be sure about these things, especially since Tanner’s heart was on the line, and I did not want to hurt him again. 

And so the evening passed, and I didn’t kiss him. But as he dropped me off and we were hugging goodbye, I held him extra close. But at the last moment, I chickened out. I just had to be positive.

It was super hard to sleep that night, because I kept thinking about that dance, and how close we were to kissing.

~Haeley